A Broken DVD Player...

With the anniversary of Carter’s death, I have found myself reflecting on the changes that have occurred since his passing. April 27^th marks FOUR years since our son passed away. Four whole years without our little man…

Our lives have changed so much in the four years since Carter died. In the span of these four years, we have:

• Had FOUR more beautiful children
• Moved into a new spacious house
• Purchased two new-to-us vehicles
• and accepted new employment at a Christian school

Carter has four siblings that he will never play with, a house that he will never step foot in, vehicles that he will never ride in, and a school that he will never attend. While all of these changes are wonderful things for our family, it saddens me to think of all of the living that Carter has missed out on.  Each of these changes takes us further away from the life we had with him. Further away from the places, people and material items that were a part of his life and hold memories of his life. And that’s hard. Really hard. 

I find myself not wanting to let go of the material things that Carter played with. Especially items that I have a specific memory of him using. For example, this past weekend Jeremy and I spent some time cleaning out our garage. We came across a portable DVD player that belonged to Carter. This DVD player has been broken for a few years now, but I held on to it because of the memories that it held. We purchased it for Carter to use during his trips to NYC for treatment. I have a vivid memory of pushing Carter around in his stroller at Sloan Kettering with this DVD player propped up on the tray in front of him. And I remember somebody commenting that it was “quite the setup” I had for him.

I also have a vivid memory of Carter using this DVD player during his very last hospital stay, about 3-4 weeks before he passed away. It was Easter Sunday morning of 2010, and I was alone with Carter at the hospital. I decided to take a quick shower, so I set him up to watch Curious George on his portable DVD player. At this point in time, Carter had already had his brain bleed, so he had lost a lot of his gross motor and fine motor abilities. He could no longer walk, or even sit up on his own. So I propped Carter up with pillows in his bed and set the DVD player on the hospital tray in front of him. When I finished my shower and came out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see Carter trying to lean forward and reach his trembling hand out to press play. The George episode had finished and he wanted to watch another one! Despite the poor physical condition Carter was in, he was still determined to watch more George! He sure loved that show! It’s such a heartbreaking memory, but one that I will never forget.

And so, there I was in the garage reminiscing, and trying to decide what to do with this broken DVD player. Jeremy suggested that we finally throw it out, and I agreed. As I walked outside to the trash can I found myself examining the DVD player one last time. I looked closely at the buttons that Carter had pushed with his little fingers. I inspected the screen, hoping to catch a glimpse of his little fingerprints. I forced myself to drop it into the trash, I walked back to Jeremy and burst into tears. He held me as I had a good cry. I was surprised with how hard it was for me to let it go. Who would have thought that a broken DVD player could bring about such strong emotions?

Four years, and life is so different now. We miss him terribly, yet we have continued to live, we have continued to move forward. And I know that’s a good thing. Truthfully, there have been many days that I’ve wanted to just crawl in bed, pull the covers up over my head and hibernate in solitude for a month. But that’s just not possible when you’ve got five children ages five and under to care for! They need me! So on those hard days, I pray to God and ask him to give me strength. And the Lord gives me the strength I need to pull myself together, to get out of bed and to face the day. The Lord also gives me great hope--- hope of seeing my son again, hope of spending eternity in Heaven, and hope of being free from the trials and sorrows of this world! Oh how I look forward to that day!

~Wanda Cummings