Community Bible Study

This morning I attended my first Community Bible Study. I have not participated in a group Bible study since Carter was a baby, back when we lived in Oregon. That was 6-7 years ago! I have been wanting to join a study for sometime, so I am thrilled to finally be a part of one! A few of my friends, neighbors and acquaintances recommended this study to me, and I am so thankful that it has worked out for me to attend.

So I went this morning, hoping for the best, but unsure of how it would go. As an introvert, walking into a large room full of people can be quite intimidating. And I can sometimes be awkward in unfamiliar social situations. In addition to the social aspect, I was also concerned about how my children would do when I dropped them off to their classrooms for childcare. My twins always cry when I drop them off at our church nursery, and my three-year-old Claira is an unpredictable, strong-willed red-head.

So, I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went this morning! First off, none of my children cried when I dropped them off! The twins happily walked into their classrooms, with big smiles on their faces. (They always cry at our home church!) I was shocked! For moms with littles, you know how huge this is. It's never fun leaving your child crying. So this was a great start for us!

So after dropping off the littles, it was my turn to face the large room of mostly unfamiliar faces. I spotted an acquaintance/friend and beelined to sit with her. After a quick chat with my friend, I began to introduce myself to the woman sitting right next to me. As it turns out, this woman was someone I actually knew, but had never met in person. In fact, I had prayed for her over the past two years, and she had prayed for me and my family when Carter was sick! You see, this woman had learned about Carter through mutual friends, and had followed my CaringBridge site. She read my journals and prayed for us, without ever meeting us! Wow! But there's more... ! Not long after Carter passed away, this woman was diagnosed with cancer herself and started her own CaringBridge site. A couple years ago a mutual friend sent me the link to her CB site, and since then I have been reading her journals and praying for her. Crazy eh? It was such an amazing thing for me to meet her! I think we both felt like we already knew each other. When you read someones blog/journal for so many years, you often feel like you know the person, even without having ever met. Out of all the women in that room that I could have sat down beside, God had me sit next to her. Wow!

And there's more...! After the large group session, we broke up into smaller "core" groups. Each small group has a leader. When the leader introduced herself, she shared a little bit about her family. She briefly mentioned that one of her children was sick and currently in treatment. She said that she would share more about it in the future, when time allowed. Of course, I was curious to know what her son was in treatment for. As we left the small group time, one of the other woman shared with me what our leader's son was in treatment for. Cancer! Wow! I was once again amazed at God's hand in this! Out of all the small groups for me to be placed in, I was placed in this woman's--- a fellow "cancer mom." I believe that God placed me in this particular group for a reason!

I am really looking forward to what I will learn and how I will grow as I participate in this Bible study. I am so thankful for how well today went. And I am amazed at God's hand in so many of the details!

~ Wanda

20 Weeks

Today I am 20 weeks along. Halfway through with this pregnancy!

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound. If we choose, we can find out the gender of this baby. So far, Jeremy and I have decided to not find out. We did not find out the genders with our first three pregnancies, but we did choose to find out the genders with our forth pregnancy, the twins. I like the surprise of not knowing. The anticipation during delivery is exciting and helps motivate me during the final stages of labor. Plus, Jeremy likes to be the first one to know the gender, so that he can be the one to tell me. I like that too.

I have to admit though, a small part of me wants to find out the gender, just so I can "be prepared." But when I think about it, there's not a whole lot I would do to prepare for a certain gender. We're not going to set up the nursery until after the baby is born. We plan to have this baby stay in our room with us for the first few months. We have all of the gender neutral baby equipment we need. And we already have clothing for both genders from birth to size 4T. Yes, I have every single piece of Carter's clothing saved in bins in the garage. I know that might sound strange that I've kept all of his clothing, but I began saving his clothes years before we knew he would get sick and pass away.

When Carter passed away I was seven months pregnant with our third child, Claira. We did not know her gender until birth. She was born 10 weeks after he passed away. During the time leading up to the birth of our third child, a thoughtful individual asked what we would do for clothing, if the baby was a boy. We let them know that our plan was to use Carter's clothes that we had saved. I was asked if it might be too upsetting for me to open up those bins, and use Carter's clothing so soon after his death. I'm sure it would have been difficult, but I would have used them. Now that three years have passed since his death, we're facing the possibility of opening those bins once again. And I have mixed feelings about that. I'd love to have a reason to open up those bins and look at those clothes, to smell them and touch them. But part of me also wonders how difficult that may, or may not, be. It might be a good step with moving forward. I'm ready to do it. I want to open those bins!

For now, only the Lord knows the gender of this baby, and if this will be the time to open up those memory filled bins. I will choose to trust in His plan...

~Wanda

10 Things You Should Say to a Grieving Parent

I've often heard people say that they don't know what to say to a parent that has lost a child. So I've come up with a list to help you with that!

1. "I'm very sorry for your loss." It is important to acknowledge their loss. The first time you see a parent after their child dies, it is important that you acknowledge their loss with a simple statement like this. And depending on your relationship with them, a hug may also be appropriate. Do not act like nothing happened. I had a few good friends that saw me for the first time after Carter's death, and said absolutely nothing about it. They acted like nothing happened. That was extremely hurtful. I had just experienced an incredible, life-altering loss, a huge change to my family dynamic, and they tried to "carry on" with our friendship as if nothing happened. These friends did not intend to cause me hurt. I believe that they did not know what to say, so they chose to not say anything at all. Please do not do this! Always acknowledge a person's loss!
2. "I don't know what to say." I had one friend say this to me the first time she saw me after Carter passed away. I greatly appreciated her honesty. She wanted to say something to me, but didn't know what to say, and so she simply admitted that! It really meant a lot to me. It's okay to admit that we don't know what to say!
3. "I love you." Three words that mean so much! It's always good to tell someone you love them! (As long as you mean it!)
4. "I care about you." Once again, this is always a good thing to say! A grieving person needs to know that you really do care.
5. "I'm praying for you." If you are praying for them, tell them! And if you're not a praying person, don't say this. Instead say, "I'm thinking of you." We have some friends that are not Christians, and they would often tell us that they were thinking of us. I always appreciated their truthfulness.
6. "I miss them." If you genuinely miss their child, share that with them! Every parent wants to know that others miss their child too!
7. "I remember your child..." Parents love to know that their child is remembered by others, especially those outside the family. Grieving parents often fear that their child may be forgotten. If you have a special memory of the child, share it with the parents! If you remember something funny or insightful that the child said, share this with them too! If you find it difficult to share the story with them in person, write it down and give it to them in a card, or send an email.
8. Say the child's name! After Carter died, many people would not say his name. I think they were afraid that it might upset me. While it is true that hearing your deceased child's name can be emotional, this is not a reason to avoid saying the child's name! In fact, it is much more upsetting for a parent to never hear their child's name! If close friends and family members never say the child's name, they are acting as if the child never existed. That is extremely hurtful! Remember number 7? A parent wants to know that their child is remembered, and saying their name is one way of doing that. For me, hearing Carter's name often brought me to tears-- and it still does sometimes. And that's okay. These tears are not because I am angry or upset that the person said his name. These are tears of joy that he is remembered, and sadness that he is gone.  Please do not be afraid to say the child's name out loud!
9. "I visited your child's graveside." If you stopped by the child's graveside for a visit, let the parents know. This is a good way of showing that you remember the child, and were thinking of them. Many parents may think that they are the only ones that visit their child's graveside, so it is a pleasant surprise to learn that others have visited too. An acquaintance from my church recently shared with me that they visited my son's graveside for the first time. I cried when they told me! My tears were out of joy--- joy and gratitude that they had remembered my son, and took the time to visit his resting place. As the years pass, visits to the graveside from non family members will likely dwindle. So, if you visit the child's graveside many years after the passing, this can be especially meaningful to the parents. Tell them you visited!
10. "I remember that today is... the day your child passed away/your child's birthday." These are two dates that a parent will remember forever. Both of these days can be very painful and emotional. The anniversary of a child's passing can stir up difficult memories of what occurred on that day. For me, I have vivid memories of listening for hours to Carter's labored breathing, of watching him take his final breath, of feeling his body become cold, of holding his deceased body, of feeling the baby in my tummy kick her brother's deceased body, of cleaning up his body and dressing him for the funeral home, of watching his body be driven away in the back of a van. :( The birthday of a deceased child can also stir up difficult memories. The parent will think back to the joyful day that their child was born, and the hopes and dreams that they had for their child's life. Parents will also think about past birthdays, and how they were celebrated. While memories of past birthday parties are usually joyful, there is also a great sadness over that the fact that there will be no future birthday parties for their child. You can read about our first birthday without Carter here. Parents will also imagine what their child would have been like (their appearance, personality, and interests), had they lived to that birthday. A parent greatly appreciates it when you remember the anniversary of their child's passing, as well as their child's birthday. Sending an email or card on these days is a very thoughtful gesture that really means a lot.

I hope that this list is helpful, as you seek to be sensitive to grieving parents that you encounter. Thanks for reading!

~Wanda

Welcome!

Welcome! So I've decided to start a blog. I used to keep an online journal on a website called CaringBridge. For nearly two years I wrote about my son Carter, and his battle with Neuroblastoma. I enjoyed sharing about his journey, and found writing to be therapeutic during that very difficult time in my life. It' been over three years now since my son passed away. And over three years since I've written in that journal regularly. During those first few years of grieving, the fog of sorrow was thick, and I found it difficult to write clearly. I also found it difficult to share openly about my grief. And so, I took a break from writing.

I've recently had the itch to write again. Over the past couple of months I've read some interesting articles and had some deep conversations that have been very thought provoking. A number of times I've wanted to write about my thoughts, but did not have a blog to do so. Thus, the birth of this blog! :)

My desire with this blog is to write about topics that peak my interest (and hopefully yours!), as well as share about my life experiences as a mother, wife, and follower of Jesus Christ.

Back when I used to write my CaringBridge journal, my husband, my mother and my mother-in-law would often tell me that I was a talented writer. And if those three unbiased people think I'm a good writer, I must be, right? ;) I know I'll have at least three loyal readers, and if they are right, maybe even a few more. :)

~Wanda