20 Weeks

Today I am 20 weeks along. Halfway through with this pregnancy!

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound. If we choose, we can find out the gender of this baby. So far, Jeremy and I have decided to not find out. We did not find out the genders with our first three pregnancies, but we did choose to find out the genders with our forth pregnancy, the twins. I like the surprise of not knowing. The anticipation during delivery is exciting and helps motivate me during the final stages of labor. Plus, Jeremy likes to be the first one to know the gender, so that he can be the one to tell me. I like that too.

I have to admit though, a small part of me wants to find out the gender, just so I can "be prepared." But when I think about it, there's not a whole lot I would do to prepare for a certain gender. We're not going to set up the nursery until after the baby is born. We plan to have this baby stay in our room with us for the first few months. We have all of the gender neutral baby equipment we need. And we already have clothing for both genders from birth to size 4T. Yes, I have every single piece of Carter's clothing saved in bins in the garage. I know that might sound strange that I've kept all of his clothing, but I began saving his clothes years before we knew he would get sick and pass away.

When Carter passed away I was seven months pregnant with our third child, Claira. We did not know her gender until birth. She was born 10 weeks after he passed away. During the time leading up to the birth of our third child, a thoughtful individual asked what we would do for clothing, if the baby was a boy. We let them know that our plan was to use Carter's clothes that we had saved. I was asked if it might be too upsetting for me to open up those bins, and use Carter's clothing so soon after his death. I'm sure it would have been difficult, but I would have used them. Now that three years have passed since his death, we're facing the possibility of opening those bins once again. And I have mixed feelings about that. I'd love to have a reason to open up those bins and look at those clothes, to smell them and touch them. But part of me also wonders how difficult that may, or may not, be. It might be a good step with moving forward. I'm ready to do it. I want to open those bins!

For now, only the Lord knows the gender of this baby, and if this will be the time to open up those memory filled bins. I will choose to trust in His plan...

~Wanda

10 Things You Should Say to a Grieving Parent

I've often heard people say that they don't know what to say to a parent that has lost a child. So I've come up with a list to help you with that!

1. "I'm very sorry for your loss." It is important to acknowledge their loss. The first time you see a parent after their child dies, it is important that you acknowledge their loss with a simple statement like this. And depending on your relationship with them, a hug may also be appropriate. Do not act like nothing happened. I had a few good friends that saw me for the first time after Carter's death, and said absolutely nothing about it. They acted like nothing happened. That was extremely hurtful. I had just experienced an incredible, life-altering loss, a huge change to my family dynamic, and they tried to "carry on" with our friendship as if nothing happened. These friends did not intend to cause me hurt. I believe that they did not know what to say, so they chose to not say anything at all. Please do not do this! Always acknowledge a person's loss!
2. "I don't know what to say." I had one friend say this to me the first time she saw me after Carter passed away. I greatly appreciated her honesty. She wanted to say something to me, but didn't know what to say, and so she simply admitted that! It really meant a lot to me. It's okay to admit that we don't know what to say!
3. "I love you." Three words that mean so much! It's always good to tell someone you love them! (As long as you mean it!)
4. "I care about you." Once again, this is always a good thing to say! A grieving person needs to know that you really do care.
5. "I'm praying for you." If you are praying for them, tell them! And if you're not a praying person, don't say this. Instead say, "I'm thinking of you." We have some friends that are not Christians, and they would often tell us that they were thinking of us. I always appreciated their truthfulness.
6. "I miss them." If you genuinely miss their child, share that with them! Every parent wants to know that others miss their child too!
7. "I remember your child..." Parents love to know that their child is remembered by others, especially those outside the family. Grieving parents often fear that their child may be forgotten. If you have a special memory of the child, share it with the parents! If you remember something funny or insightful that the child said, share this with them too! If you find it difficult to share the story with them in person, write it down and give it to them in a card, or send an email.
8. Say the child's name! After Carter died, many people would not say his name. I think they were afraid that it might upset me. While it is true that hearing your deceased child's name can be emotional, this is not a reason to avoid saying the child's name! In fact, it is much more upsetting for a parent to never hear their child's name! If close friends and family members never say the child's name, they are acting as if the child never existed. That is extremely hurtful! Remember number 7? A parent wants to know that their child is remembered, and saying their name is one way of doing that. For me, hearing Carter's name often brought me to tears-- and it still does sometimes. And that's okay. These tears are not because I am angry or upset that the person said his name. These are tears of joy that he is remembered, and sadness that he is gone.  Please do not be afraid to say the child's name out loud!
9. "I visited your child's graveside." If you stopped by the child's graveside for a visit, let the parents know. This is a good way of showing that you remember the child, and were thinking of them. Many parents may think that they are the only ones that visit their child's graveside, so it is a pleasant surprise to learn that others have visited too. An acquaintance from my church recently shared with me that they visited my son's graveside for the first time. I cried when they told me! My tears were out of joy--- joy and gratitude that they had remembered my son, and took the time to visit his resting place. As the years pass, visits to the graveside from non family members will likely dwindle. So, if you visit the child's graveside many years after the passing, this can be especially meaningful to the parents. Tell them you visited!
10. "I remember that today is... the day your child passed away/your child's birthday." These are two dates that a parent will remember forever. Both of these days can be very painful and emotional. The anniversary of a child's passing can stir up difficult memories of what occurred on that day. For me, I have vivid memories of listening for hours to Carter's labored breathing, of watching him take his final breath, of feeling his body become cold, of holding his deceased body, of feeling the baby in my tummy kick her brother's deceased body, of cleaning up his body and dressing him for the funeral home, of watching his body be driven away in the back of a van. :( The birthday of a deceased child can also stir up difficult memories. The parent will think back to the joyful day that their child was born, and the hopes and dreams that they had for their child's life. Parents will also think about past birthdays, and how they were celebrated. While memories of past birthday parties are usually joyful, there is also a great sadness over that the fact that there will be no future birthday parties for their child. You can read about our first birthday without Carter here. Parents will also imagine what their child would have been like (their appearance, personality, and interests), had they lived to that birthday. A parent greatly appreciates it when you remember the anniversary of their child's passing, as well as their child's birthday. Sending an email or card on these days is a very thoughtful gesture that really means a lot.

I hope that this list is helpful, as you seek to be sensitive to grieving parents that you encounter. Thanks for reading!

~Wanda