A Broken DVD Player...

With the anniversary of Carter’s death, I have found myself reflecting on the changes that have occurred since his passing. April 27^th marks FOUR years since our son passed away. Four whole years without our little man…

Our lives have changed so much in the four years since Carter died. In the span of these four years, we have:

• Had FOUR more beautiful children
• Moved into a new spacious house
• Purchased two new-to-us vehicles
• and accepted new employment at a Christian school

Carter has four siblings that he will never play with, a house that he will never step foot in, vehicles that he will never ride in, and a school that he will never attend. While all of these changes are wonderful things for our family, it saddens me to think of all of the living that Carter has missed out on.  Each of these changes takes us further away from the life we had with him. Further away from the places, people and material items that were a part of his life and hold memories of his life. And that’s hard. Really hard. 

I find myself not wanting to let go of the material things that Carter played with. Especially items that I have a specific memory of him using. For example, this past weekend Jeremy and I spent some time cleaning out our garage. We came across a portable DVD player that belonged to Carter. This DVD player has been broken for a few years now, but I held on to it because of the memories that it held. We purchased it for Carter to use during his trips to NYC for treatment. I have a vivid memory of pushing Carter around in his stroller at Sloan Kettering with this DVD player propped up on the tray in front of him. And I remember somebody commenting that it was “quite the setup” I had for him.

I also have a vivid memory of Carter using this DVD player during his very last hospital stay, about 3-4 weeks before he passed away. It was Easter Sunday morning of 2010, and I was alone with Carter at the hospital. I decided to take a quick shower, so I set him up to watch Curious George on his portable DVD player. At this point in time, Carter had already had his brain bleed, so he had lost a lot of his gross motor and fine motor abilities. He could no longer walk, or even sit up on his own. So I propped Carter up with pillows in his bed and set the DVD player on the hospital tray in front of him. When I finished my shower and came out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see Carter trying to lean forward and reach his trembling hand out to press play. The George episode had finished and he wanted to watch another one! Despite the poor physical condition Carter was in, he was still determined to watch more George! He sure loved that show! It’s such a heartbreaking memory, but one that I will never forget.

And so, there I was in the garage reminiscing, and trying to decide what to do with this broken DVD player. Jeremy suggested that we finally throw it out, and I agreed. As I walked outside to the trash can I found myself examining the DVD player one last time. I looked closely at the buttons that Carter had pushed with his little fingers. I inspected the screen, hoping to catch a glimpse of his little fingerprints. I forced myself to drop it into the trash, I walked back to Jeremy and burst into tears. He held me as I had a good cry. I was surprised with how hard it was for me to let it go. Who would have thought that a broken DVD player could bring about such strong emotions?

Four years, and life is so different now. We miss him terribly, yet we have continued to live, we have continued to move forward. And I know that’s a good thing. Truthfully, there have been many days that I’ve wanted to just crawl in bed, pull the covers up over my head and hibernate in solitude for a month. But that’s just not possible when you’ve got five children ages five and under to care for! They need me! So on those hard days, I pray to God and ask him to give me strength. And the Lord gives me the strength I need to pull myself together, to get out of bed and to face the day. The Lord also gives me great hope--- hope of seeing my son again, hope of spending eternity in Heaven, and hope of being free from the trials and sorrows of this world! Oh how I look forward to that day!

~Wanda Cummings

Community Bible Study

This morning I attended my first Community Bible Study. I have not participated in a group Bible study since Carter was a baby, back when we lived in Oregon. That was 6-7 years ago! I have been wanting to join a study for sometime, so I am thrilled to finally be a part of one! A few of my friends, neighbors and acquaintances recommended this study to me, and I am so thankful that it has worked out for me to attend.

So I went this morning, hoping for the best, but unsure of how it would go. As an introvert, walking into a large room full of people can be quite intimidating. And I can sometimes be awkward in unfamiliar social situations. In addition to the social aspect, I was also concerned about how my children would do when I dropped them off to their classrooms for childcare. My twins always cry when I drop them off at our church nursery, and my three-year-old Claira is an unpredictable, strong-willed red-head.

So, I was pleasantly surprised at how well things went this morning! First off, none of my children cried when I dropped them off! The twins happily walked into their classrooms, with big smiles on their faces. (They always cry at our home church!) I was shocked! For moms with littles, you know how huge this is. It's never fun leaving your child crying. So this was a great start for us!

So after dropping off the littles, it was my turn to face the large room of mostly unfamiliar faces. I spotted an acquaintance/friend and beelined to sit with her. After a quick chat with my friend, I began to introduce myself to the woman sitting right next to me. As it turns out, this woman was someone I actually knew, but had never met in person. In fact, I had prayed for her over the past two years, and she had prayed for me and my family when Carter was sick! You see, this woman had learned about Carter through mutual friends, and had followed my CaringBridge site. She read my journals and prayed for us, without ever meeting us! Wow! But there's more... ! Not long after Carter passed away, this woman was diagnosed with cancer herself and started her own CaringBridge site. A couple years ago a mutual friend sent me the link to her CB site, and since then I have been reading her journals and praying for her. Crazy eh? It was such an amazing thing for me to meet her! I think we both felt like we already knew each other. When you read someones blog/journal for so many years, you often feel like you know the person, even without having ever met. Out of all the women in that room that I could have sat down beside, God had me sit next to her. Wow!

And there's more...! After the large group session, we broke up into smaller "core" groups. Each small group has a leader. When the leader introduced herself, she shared a little bit about her family. She briefly mentioned that one of her children was sick and currently in treatment. She said that she would share more about it in the future, when time allowed. Of course, I was curious to know what her son was in treatment for. As we left the small group time, one of the other woman shared with me what our leader's son was in treatment for. Cancer! Wow! I was once again amazed at God's hand in this! Out of all the small groups for me to be placed in, I was placed in this woman's--- a fellow "cancer mom." I believe that God placed me in this particular group for a reason!

I am really looking forward to what I will learn and how I will grow as I participate in this Bible study. I am so thankful for how well today went. And I am amazed at God's hand in so many of the details!

~ Wanda

20 Weeks

Today I am 20 weeks along. Halfway through with this pregnancy!

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound. If we choose, we can find out the gender of this baby. So far, Jeremy and I have decided to not find out. We did not find out the genders with our first three pregnancies, but we did choose to find out the genders with our forth pregnancy, the twins. I like the surprise of not knowing. The anticipation during delivery is exciting and helps motivate me during the final stages of labor. Plus, Jeremy likes to be the first one to know the gender, so that he can be the one to tell me. I like that too.

I have to admit though, a small part of me wants to find out the gender, just so I can "be prepared." But when I think about it, there's not a whole lot I would do to prepare for a certain gender. We're not going to set up the nursery until after the baby is born. We plan to have this baby stay in our room with us for the first few months. We have all of the gender neutral baby equipment we need. And we already have clothing for both genders from birth to size 4T. Yes, I have every single piece of Carter's clothing saved in bins in the garage. I know that might sound strange that I've kept all of his clothing, but I began saving his clothes years before we knew he would get sick and pass away.

When Carter passed away I was seven months pregnant with our third child, Claira. We did not know her gender until birth. She was born 10 weeks after he passed away. During the time leading up to the birth of our third child, a thoughtful individual asked what we would do for clothing, if the baby was a boy. We let them know that our plan was to use Carter's clothes that we had saved. I was asked if it might be too upsetting for me to open up those bins, and use Carter's clothing so soon after his death. I'm sure it would have been difficult, but I would have used them. Now that three years have passed since his death, we're facing the possibility of opening those bins once again. And I have mixed feelings about that. I'd love to have a reason to open up those bins and look at those clothes, to smell them and touch them. But part of me also wonders how difficult that may, or may not, be. It might be a good step with moving forward. I'm ready to do it. I want to open those bins!

For now, only the Lord knows the gender of this baby, and if this will be the time to open up those memory filled bins. I will choose to trust in His plan...

~Wanda